By: Gege Sugue
I just read what could possibly be the most self-centered piece of advertising I’ve read for a long time. The Grammar Pulis is still on vacation, so there will not be any grammar critiques. I am responding to this ad as a consumer and a target client. My knee-jerk reaction to this ad were intimidation and fear of going to a place that takes itself too seriously and does not seem to care about me – the one whom they aim to pamper.
The full text is found below. I have changed the name of the place to protect its reputation. At the end, I will try to suggest a more customer-friendly take on it.
A dream to put up an affordable pampering haven has been realized in 2005 with the establishment of The Something Something Spa. And a few years from its founding, The Something Something Spa has carved its niche in the country’s spa industry, making it one of the fastest–growing spas in the Philippines.
Setting itself a level up from the mushrooming spas in the city, The Something Something Spa offers exactly the same quality service as those of the exclusive and highly expensive spas enjoyed only by the moneyed urbanite but at a realistically economical rate afforded by all who love the spa experience.
The array of services rendered by Something Something’s highly trained spa technicians, from manicures, foot spa and reflexology to paraffin dips and hair treatments, come with reasonable prices from P110 up, and value–added services of free hand massage, cucumber eye mask, and a refreshing cup of green tea.
Continuously staying abreast of the innovations of the beauty industry, The Something Something Spa houses only the best brands, and keeps up with the latest technique and technology. At the Something Something Spa, only quality products, ranging from foot scrubs to hair colors, complemented by the latest techniques, are applied to our dear clients.
Essential to the spa experience are the cozy ambiance and service-driven staff members. All the branches of The Something Something Spa were meticulously designed to come up with stylish yet comfortable interiors, combined with relaxing music and scented oils. The cozy ambiance is further complemented by our service-driven spa technicians who place utmost importance on the comfort and satisfaction of our client.
All of these guarantee the ultimate yet affordable spa experience at all of our branches. The Something Something Spa truly affirms that better care doesn’t have to cost more!
Come and visit us at the following branches:
It’s not bad writing. But it is self-centered.
When writing to customers, it’s important to write from their perspective. Think about what they can benefit from the products and services you offer. P P ersuade. Invite. Inspire. Do not boast. You want to enable them to have a sneak peek of how it would be like to experience your services. Try this:
Since 2005, The SomethingForYou Spa has been pampering customers, providing them high-quality spa services at very affordable prices. Customers who enjoy our services speak of the cozy ambiance and the excellent service. That must explain why we are one of the fastest-growing spa chains in the country. Visit a branch near you to experience the SomethingForYou brand of pampering.
Five Star Service at Neighborhood Prices. Our prices start at P110, so it does not take much to enjoy the same quality service offered by exclusive and highly expensive spas. We take the stress out of your lives by making sure that our prices are easy on your pocket.
Head to Foot Delights. Plus freebies too. SomethingForYou’s highly trained spa technician are trained to please you with an array of services that include hair treatments, manicures, paraffin dips, and foot spa. You’ll be surprised by a free hand massage, cucumber eye mask, and a refreshing cup of green tea to top your spa experience.
High Tech. High Touch. Service deluxe is made possible by our company’s constant goal of staying abreast of the innovations of the beauty industry. The SomethingForYou Spa uses only the best brands and keeps up with the latest technique and technology. We use only quality products, complemented by the latest techniques, so you are assured that you come out looking and feeling your best.
Cozy, Comfy, Posh. Visit our spas to bask in the stylish yet comfortable interiors. Savor the relaxing music and the scent of the finest oils. The cozy ambience is further complemented by our service-driven spa technicians, who place utmost importance on your comfort and satisfaction.
All of these guarantee the ultimate yet affordable spa experience at all of our branches. The SomethingForYou Spa truly affirms that better care doesn’t have to cost more!
Come and visit us at the following branches:
Notice that I’ve also minimized the use of the third person in describing the clients. You want to let the reader feel that you are talking to her, the valued client. Going to a spa is usually a hedonistic, pleasurable experience, a way to grab some me-time to take a break from a life focused on taking care of others’ needs. As the customer, I really don’t care about your company’s successes as much as I care about my own need to de-stress. All these things you boast of are important only inasmuch as my assurance that I will get the best quality service my budget can afford, and I will get the pampering I think I deserve.
When you write to your customers, think about your customers.
Gege Sugue is also known as the Grammar Pulis. She teaches college students. She trains corporate clients. She blogs at http://grammar-pulis.blogspot.com. Her goal is to help others communicate better.